Feature: Profs out of context

If you follow my Twitter, you know that sometimes I’ll post tweets that start with “prof out of context.” They’re just little tidbits of what I’m hearing in class on a daily basis, minus the context completely. And in or out of context, they’re hilarious, because my professors are very funny people. In the classes where I had access to a computer I could transcribe them directly onto Twitter, but in classes where I didn’t, I wrote them down in my notebook and saved them  for later. So I decided that I would do a master-post here on the blog for everyone to enjoy, along with some general “class out of context” quotes (all of those will be labelled accordingly; anything without a label is a professor or a guest lecturer.) So enjoy all the profs and none of the context below the jump!

Names have been withheld to protect the fabulous. 

PROFS OUT OF CONTEXT: THE MASTER POST

“If you were sleeping, wake up. Because it gets fucked up.”

Profs on politics:

“Harper’s just like a little mouse, afraid of talking to people…he’s insecure.”

“Hazel McCallion is a mummy! She’s been dead for years!”

“Cast off your chains! Enough of this news bootcamp…malarky! I’m going to use that word because Joe Biden made it okay to use it again.”

“Rob Ford…he’s such a jerk!”

Class out of context: “I don’t go to a baker and ask him, ‘is this foreign policy working?'”

“…And meanwhile you’ve got this mayor saying, ‘drive faster, kill more people!'”

“You probably would have got a comment…well, maybe not. Harper’s government is so weird.”

“That’s pretty weird, eh? Pickled feet — THAT’S the example I chose. Politics and death!”

“It feels so good to see those right-wing wing-nuts get their asses kicked!”

Profs on journalism:

“Oh right, you just ended with a quote, you lazy bastard!”

“Oh, you’re on the but beat! …Oh, that sounds weird.”

“You guys are professionals. When they call for cliches, you respond!”

Class out of context: “I’ll sprinkle it along, you won’t even know! It’ll be like fairy dust economics.”

“It’s about making the stories fuzzy, cute, and sexy and readable.”

“Essentially when I read your story I want to feel like the guy who’s being crowd-surfed at a concert.”

“Sex, cute kids, and cute animals are gonna sell.”

“All reporters are social retardates, really.”

“If the pole dancer had turned up…you were going to take a picture and file that, right?”

Video editing out of context: “No, look, it’s fine! Her mouth is like ‘I’m gonna be a smile soon!'”

“Hemingway said — Hemingway was a writer, Ernest Hemingway. He was a man. He’s out of fashion now.”

“My question: is that accurate, or is she just stupid?”

“Newspapers are such dull places — nobody has cracked a joke in 20 years.”

“Well, you don’t know that it’s not in the public interest if he comes into your home and uses your bathroom.”

“By the time I get down there, I’m thoroughly annoyed. Have a gripping scene but don’t grip me for 12 paragraphs! Like, it’s not War and Peace. You don’t have three chapters to set the scene!”

“I knew from the movies journalists took notes. They wore fedoras, asked questions — hard-hitting questions. They obviously typed.”

“‘Hello! I’m an asshole from the Globe and Mail, can I ask you a couple of questions?’ And then they give you a look like, ‘oh, potential terrorist.'”

“Draft deadline day is draft beer day!”

Class out of context: “You know what this scene needs more of?”
“Spanking?”

Profs on law and order:

“What exactly do these 367 cops do except eat donuts the entire time?”

“I’d like to know how these people interacted with the cops — other than tripping over them on their way into Tim Hortons.”

“Well, they can arrest you whenever they want. The police can come in here and arrest me right now!”

“Maybe somebody could go steal something, or poison the chip truck, or organize a protest against the tower!”

“Well you’re lying in the street making out, I don’t know what kind of privacy you expect to have.”

“I thought the bankers just went to bars and did coke all night.”

Profs on classwork:

“I’ve never been so proud of your ignorance in all my life! Thank you for not going a step further.”

“Don’t copy some fucking story from Wikipedia, or the Internet.”

“Reading week is like the buffet’s closing an hour early. I want the buffet open until 3 a.m. so I can keep eating.”

“I got level five biohazard warnings about copyright…like holy fuck, I just want you to read some stories! So we’re just gonna fly under the radar, okay?”

“And while you’re whining about your stories, think about ME! I have to mark 30 of these!”

Class out of context: “I like to read in class, because it’s already so boring and I’m stuck here.”

“You’re still writing? STOP ALREADY!

“Everybody clear on what we’re doing, or do you want to talk about it some more?”

Class out of context: “So the moral of the story is to go skiing in Europe instead of studying.”

Profs on love, sex, and dating:

“You’d have to go to the gay bars and watch the bears touch him, and stuff.”

“I never believe anybody…maybe that’s why I’m single.”

“And I was thinking, she’s a man-eater, that one. She scares me!

“The theory of the singles bar was that you’d go to the bar, drink, meet someone, and have sex. The reality was that you’d never meet anyone, you’d get drunk, and go home alone, sad and a little poorer.”

“We’re off in the hills of Holland, talking about nymphomania and tiny teeth.”

Class out of context: “And there’s penises everywhere!”

“You can do a lot in 35 minutes — but not Mr. Wang, apparently.”

“If you know how to find a couple of virgins, or you know virgins, let me know. I need to find virgins.”

Profs on pop culture:

“Are the instructors former strippers, or what?”

“So this is like asexual pole dancing?”

“In my mind, I’m Daniel Craig.”

“Does anyone in this room go clubbing to modern music? Like, with ping-pong sounds?”

Class out of context: “What is Honey Boo Boo? …Oh, it’s a child? I thought it was a pig!”

“I just want to mention that I went to a yoga class last night and instead of Karen teaching, it was Julia. And Julia looks like a west-coast hippie. But when she got going it was like, plank! Plank! Plank! Downward dog! Plank!

“You know Toy Story? That was a short movie. The Dark Knight Rises? That was a long movie. Unless you were in Colorado, then it was only like a half an hour.”

“It’s Britney, bitch!”

“They should put meowing and barking in songs more often.”

Profs on fashion:

“Is it like girl shit? Oh, Harry Rosen for women? Okay, I got it.”

“I don’t know, I think there’d be a real market for shiny blue suits.”

“So I looked like three lanes on the 401 — it was just a shit suit.”

“I’ve got orthotics inside these boots and I don’t know if they’re doing any good. I’m pretty skeptical. It’s all bullshit.”

“He could be like an ironic Brooklyn hipster now.”

Profs on death:

“Those damn suicides!”

“So basically he’s saying ‘don’t wear headphones so you can hear people coming to kill you’?”

“It’s rare that someone goes out and says, ‘I’m gettin’ drunk and I’m mowin’ someone down!'”

“Nobody died, huh? That’s a drag.”

Miscellaneous profs out of context:

“You can tell me shit, that’s okay.”

“Fuck me! I’ve got to get better friends!”

“Whose mother called them to tell them to fill their bathtubs up? Nobody? Just mine?”

“What is that? That is obviously some kind of spy mechanism. We don’t know if it’s recording us but it’s always there.”

Class out of context: “him saying he’ll leave after is like me coming into your home, using the bathroom, & saying ‘it’s okay, I’ll leave after.'”

“Now she actually knows shit that I don’t know! She knows a lot of shit!”

“Sometimes I like to have a coffee while I’m in the shower.”

“I don’t have a point of view, though. No.”

You are all welcome.

– Kelsey

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