Feature: Profs out of Context, Round 2

If you follow my Twitter, you know that sometimes I’ll post tweets that start with “prof out of context.” They’re just little tidbits of what I’m hearing in class on a daily basis, minus the context completely. And in or out of context, they’re hilarious, because my professors are very funny people.

The first time I did this, I got a really good response, so I thought I’d continue the tradition with a collection of random statements made by profs, guest lecturers, and even students in class for the Winter 2013 semester. As a guide, anything that was said by a student or just someone not in a teaching role will be labelled “class out of context.” Anything said by a teacher or a guest lecturer will not have a label, it will just be the quote. So enjoy all of the profs and none of the context below the jump!

Names have been withheld to protect the fabulous.

PROFS OUT OF CONTEXT, THE WINTER 2013 MASTER POST

“That’s a very flat statement. As flat as Saskatchewan.” 

Profs on law and order

“Lawyers can send you briefs—that’s actually a misnomer, by the way. Lawyers are never brief.”

“Usually after you knock on two or three doors, the cops realize you’re not there to visit someone—you’re there to visit everyone.

“If you’re going to commit fraud, do it properly! Don’t do it sloppily.”

“While we were there, they were almost kind of excited to have a serial killer.”

“Whoever drafted (the municipal conflict of interest act) was on drugs, I think.”

“When they talk about this but not about that, it makes me look like a donkey! And I’m not a donkey, I’m a really good judge!

“If my friend was a serial killer I couldn’t imagine trying to sell his photos.”

“Unfortunately, we are not the FBI.”

Profs on politics, religion and society

“When you see a man pushing a stroller through the park, it’s like ‘what a nice guy!’ When you see a woman pushing a stroller, it’s like ‘what a cute baby!’”

“Assuming you’re asking a relevant question you’ll win, because you’re on the side of God!”

“They know they’re bigots! They’re proud of being bigots!”

“Please, England, give it to us. Mrs. Queen, we’d like our constitution.”

“Can men do it? Can they care for children for a week? Or will society disintegrate into chaos?”

“Women can be very cruel to men about their height. Men can be very cruel to women about their overall appearance.”

“You can get used to anything. Harper even got used to being prime minister.”

“My parents live in suburbia. It’s like a issue of moral rectitude, how nice your lawn is.”

“There’s been nothing new written since Jesus. The bible pretty much covers it.”

“He’s very right-wing, and he’s lunatic in a rational way.”

“Scotland calls gossips ‘bizzims.’ It’s a great word. Their mouth becomes a little anus. I have family members who are at their happiest when they’re in high bizzim mode.”

“Bigotry was kind of like beer in Glasgow. You drank beer and you were a bigot!”

“If Pierre Trudeau was being interviewed by a brilliant and beautiful woman…he’d let the interview go on and on. I imagine Bill Clinton was the same way. I imagine that Bill Clinton is still the same way.”

Profs on journalism

“If you just jump right into the topic, like, ‘Did you ever see him wearing pantyhose on his head?’ they’re not going to be pleased.”

“No you haven’t. You haven’t read my story. You’ve read a piece of shit, which didn’t affect anyone.”

“Press conferences are evil.”

“You don’t want to sprinkle questions throughout your newscasts, or it starts to sound like a game-show.”

“I’m going to call you one day at 5 o’clock, I’m going to be breathing heavily, and I’m going to need to understand something.”

“Let’s pretend you’re interested in sex trafficking…as a story!

“That’s not what I do—I do scumbags.”

“Can you give me all your data on stuff that’s cool?”

“Generally, decapitations play well.”

“I’ve spent more hours with him than I care to comment on, waiting for bad guys to come out of rub and tugs.”

“I always approach a story the same way: Google.”

“I fought this, I said, ‘no way! I’ll do the whorehouses again, but old folks’ homes, no way!‘”

Class out of context: “Do you think neurotic worriers are birthed by journalism, or they gravitate toward it?”

Class out of context: “It’s like my dream to write something that makes a lot of people angry.”

Profs on classwork

“I know it’s Monday afternoon, I know it’s really crappy outside, and quite frankly this is the time of day I’d really like to have a nap.”

“I should say this now: I’m not sure what will happen if there’s a fire alarm.”

“Those deadlines sound okay, right? And other profs are worse? …Good, I just don’t want to be the worst.”

Class out of context: “We could all do a ceremonial walk to a mailbox.”
“I know a bagpipe player!”

Class out of context: “I think I really oversold myself here.”

Profs on pop culture

“I haven’t watched the most recent episode of Mad Men, I’ve just got it on Netflix and I’m very excited. So no spoilers!”

“We usually find that people over the age of 40 have no privacy settings.”

“This is like James Bond. This is James. Freaking. Bond.”

“Imagine if Law & Order were written like a news story. It’d be the worst rated show in television.”

“This should be a reality show. ‘Scumbag chasing.'”

“My first years got me addicted to Say Yes to the Dress for a brief time.”

“Sedated but conscious…it’s the state men get in when their wives ask them to watch Say Yes to the Dress.”

“When I saw the title of the album (Babel) I thought it was pronounced ‘Babble’ like that Brad Pitt movie from five years ago that was just alright.”

Profs on sex and relationships

“I love the people who tell you ‘I won’t remember your name.’ That’s a goal-driven person.”

“She knows way too much. She’s been in my underwear drawer and she’s saying ‘I want the blue underwear with the red penguins on them.'”

“In a bar the word ‘pal’ is rarely an invitation to get to know each other.”

“That’s our lesson for today. Hard is good. Hard is better…Oh, wait. That can be misconstrued.”

Advice from profs

“When the salmon salad sandwich is a dollar off, don’t buy the salmon salad sandwich. It’s salmon. And it’s a dollar off!”

“Do not waste time. Every day lost is…a day lost.”

“Oh, don’t forget to roll up your rim, you guys.”

“If you can get a crazy into Tim Hortons, just keep buying the coffee.”

“Embrace the crazies. Buy the crazies coffee. It makes them crazier.”

“When there’s an opportunity, I’m going to remind people: deep water is fatal.”

“I always shake the hand of my opponent. Because if they’re nice, they deserve it. If they’re not, it’s a great way to say ‘I whipped you.'”

“The worst thing that could happen is you become a big, swinging dick.”

– Kelsey

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s