Profs out of Context, Round 3

If you’ve followed me on Twitter for a while, you probably noticed that last year I would post tweets that started with “Prof out of context.” They were just little tidbits of what I was hearing in class on a daily basis, minus the context completely. And in or out of context, they’re hilarious, because my professors are very funny people.

The first couple of times I did this, I got a really good response, so I thought I’d continue the tradition with a collection of random statements made by profs, guest lecturers, and even students in class for the Fall 2013 semester. As a guide, anything that was said by a student, or any multi-person dialogues will be labelled “class out of context.” Anything said by a teacher or a guest lecturer will not have a label, it will just be the quote. So enjoy all of the profs and none of the context below the jump!

(P.S.: I know I said I wasn’t going to release this until I got caught up with reviews, but clearly reviews are taking longer than I anticipated. I decided to put this up so there was at least some new content on the blog. )

Names have been withheld to protect the fabulous.

PROFS OUT OF CONTEXT: THE FALL 2013 MASTERPOST

“I was wondering how many times I’d get to say ‘motherfucker’ today.”

Profs on school and classwork

“I’ll pass around the book. It’s from the library so don’t barf in it or anything.”

“I was gonna assign War and Peace (for the last week) but I decided against it.”

“For engineering students, I’m aware you’re just looking for a high mark…it’s so clear!”

“We’ll start with the really fun stuff, and then move on to the really, really fun stuff.”

“So you’ll be a group of eight…because I’m sure some of you will drop the course.”

“Can anyone else think of an example that’s actually cool?”

“I try to minimize the options. There could be maximum 3 (exam questions), maybe 1.”

“This is the easiest assignment in the history of the universe!”

“I wanted to do this so we could share a cool moment.”

Class out of context: “So, I put it down because I don’t want to read this. But then I had to pass high school, so I picked it back up again.”

Class out of context: “We messed up the attendance!”
“…University students.”
“That’s why you’re not engineers.”

Profs on journalism

“You can have the extended, four-CD version of the scene, and you can sell it at Christmas.”

“How many people are going to hit me with fashion ideas today? And how many people are going to hit me with celebrity ideas?…I just want to know how much pain I’m in for.”

“The most boring features in the history of the world, every weekend in the Globe and Mail. They just take an idea and beat it to death.”

Profs on animals and wilderness

“Has anyone ever lived on a farm? it’s not calm. The sheep are really fat.”

“I’m old! And I’m disconnecting from the trees, the dead trees.”

“So there’s your skunk passage of the day.”

“And you’ve got to feed your horses in the creek, or whatever it is that pioneers do.”

“Have you guys stood in front of Niagara Falls? Makes you want to barf.”

“Have you ever hung out with a crow or a raven?”

“…And beavers are awesome.”

“Is there anything else we can talk about fishies? I probably shouldn’t call them fishies.”

“We don’t like bears, they’re really scary.”

“Has anyone grown wisteria before? DON’T…I actually had a wisteria that pulled my deck off.”

“And the early sense of what whales were was that they were terrifying.

“I have no vocabulary for this. Fishing…sticks.”

“Okay, so, trees! Trees and art. Let’s talk about trees.”

“Does this look like Canada? Hell no.”

“Don’t say ‘everyone loves fish and since the beginning of time fish have been an important part of people’s diet.'”

Class out of context: “I’m like, oh my God, I don’t know anything about trees and stuff, and forests!”

Class out of context: “The trees don’t look happy.”

Profs on drugs and alcohol

“And they don’t offer you a line (of coke)? That seems kind of rude.”

“I’m clearly drinking fancy beer now that I have a job.”

“I don’t know how you can sit there and watch an 8-hour Andy Warhol film…but I don’t know, maybe the drugs were really good back then.”

“The only thing [is that] I was disappointed…the smell of marijuana was all around!”

“So if you wanna skip the class and do drugs…you can do it twice!”

“Did you get scared by drug-addled teenagers?”

Class out of context: “Yo girl, I’d take a bottle of wine to my face any day.”

Profs on sex and relationships

“She blew him, he fell in love.”

“My love may be red and flowery, I don’t know.”

“But people love him, even though he’s abusive.”

“…(they) go into the woods and do things. Bad things. Sex things.”

Class out of context: “I guess that goes back to my problems with people.”

Profs on pop culture

“Did you guys see Dances With Wolves or Crocodiles or whatever it was?”

“Kim Kardashian…this is the most modest photo I could find.”

“Can you send me a link? I finally have a Twitter account and the first thing I’m gonna do is read poetry.”

“Little Mosque on the Prairie…when you’re at home, on Christmas break, in a good mood, watch that program!”

“Facebook, right. Like! Dislike!”

“There’s a whole set of humour around the injury of others. I love that.”

“And now the Velvet Underground is the best band of ALL TIME! …The Beatles? Pshht. The Stones? Nah. Nirvana? They’re okay.”

“English teachers in movies—they always talk about the romantics. Have you noticed that?”

“That Elmo guy squeaks too much.”

“The German Barbie was like 4 inches taller than regular Barbie—she was like Barbie on steroids. She didn’t have hair, she had wigs. So gross!”

Profs on art and literature criticism

“I need you guys to tell me what this is about, ’cause I don’t have a fucking clue!”

“It’s about people, in a place.”

“Salvador Dali is the one we recognize, his watches sort of drip…I hate his work. A lot.”

“He’s a one-note symphony. Or caterwaul.”

“It’s killer! You just want to stab yourself in the throat and feel bad about the world.”

“He’s got a gorgeous poem about a syphilitic prostitute.”

Class out of context: “At first I was like, is he even trying to write a good book?”

Class out of context: “It’s kind of a biblical reference.”
“Oh, that’s probably why I don’t get it. But the Jesus reader would?”

Class out of context: “When I read it, I just get this picture of her never smiling.”

Profs on politics and society

“I abhor Rob Ford for so many reasons: as a woman, as an educator who believes in research, as a person who practices politeness…”

“Mayor Ford used the P word today.”

“I shouldn’t say geezer so many times.”

Class out of context: “For the most part, everyone in Alberta thinks everyone in Toronto is a bunch of assholes.”

Class out of context: “I guess I’m not going to have ideals anymore, especially with prison.”

Advice from profs

“You dumb fuck, don’t buy that, you don’t have a job!”

“Do not try this at home—this is a clusterfuck!”

“I wouldn’t count your chickens before they shit on the floor, as they say.”

“And if you go…don’t take drugs.”

– Kelsey

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